Sweet Sarandipitous Life

At times, I find myself lost yet I followed myself every second to get where I am. How does this happen? Well, every “okay” and “yes” leads you to the next and one day you realize you no longer recognize the body you are in or the voice you hear as you speak. Though this is not something to raise alarm as it happens to the best of us. Fear and anxiety may take the wheel, as it did with me.

This was the year of upping antidepressants and meditation exercises to combat the daunting panic attacks I could not seem to shake. I feared working, engaging in conversation, and most of all messing up. My eyes remained dilated as fight or flight kept me alarmingly awake yet begging for sleep. This was the year I realized that the body I use and the voice I spoke no longer belonged to my conscious self. My true self.

I researched endlessly. Tirelessly truly. I wanted a way to make it better as soon as possible. The happy pills and change of job helped some yet I couldn’t figure out how I had gotten to this place of confusion and fear, more importantly how to cease them. Yet what I hadn’t realized was that I was fighting a solution that was in front of my very eyes the whole time. The solution would uproot my life and all of the comfort I thought that I had, yet it felt so right. Sometimes instead of blaming what is inside, the chemistry within that can only be controlled by pills and habits, one must look around at her environment as well.

After discovering that I had caught myself up in a trail of “okays” and “yeses” that I didn’t candidly mean, the self I had vowed to protect was lost all over again. Caught up in the emotions; the blur within and around myself grew darker. Even so, once the fog clears, I once again recognize the body I am in and the voice I hear as I speak. Both are more lovely than I once reminisced. Starting over was the cost and all the same it was worth it.

Yours Truly,

SB